We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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