I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
