There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
