but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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