I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
