Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
