just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
two words: eviction party
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
