dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I could make wine with my vomit
i love accidental penises.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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