remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
