i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
