Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
