Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
