New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
