I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
