Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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