She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
