Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
