I want to walk on stilts...naked
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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