I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
