I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
