i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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