I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
