Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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