Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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