he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
