Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i love accidental penises.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
