she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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