my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
