Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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