I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
