I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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