Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
