It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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