Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
