four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
