I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
