You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
