Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
