apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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