I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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