I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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