I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
