woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
sarcasm needs its own font
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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