I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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