apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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