Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
why do cheetos always look like penises
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
