Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
