Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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