Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
