TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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