someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
