I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Randomize
