I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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