I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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