You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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