After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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